Walk or run?

This morning the alarm clock went off way too early. Well, too early after a second insomniac night. But I knew this was my one chance today to run. If I hadn't signed up for a sprint triathlon next week I surely would have went back to bed or found a different activity I could do later in the day. But I like to run alone and not at the track...which means this was my only moment to squeeze in a run so I don't collapse next Saturday. So I hauled my tired, achy booty out of bed, laced up my shoes and headed out the door.

Note to self: if I ever make the goal of getting up early every day, I must first have the goal of going to bed before midnight.

My entire run I listed out all the arguments for running...and for walking. Do I really HAVE to run to be healthy?

Every weekend my facebook feed is filled with pictures of friends finishing 5K's, 10 K's, mudruns, half marathons, marathons, and triathlons. Has it always been like this? Nope. According to the organization "Running USA" (www.runningusa.org), participation in running events from the 5K on up has increased 80% since 2000. That doesn't mean that 80% of us are running, it means that we have moved from approximately 8.5 million in 2000 to approximately 15.5 million in 2012. Still a small percentage of total population, but it's not just my imagination that more people are running. Women in particular are increasing running participation, especially in the half marathon. All that to say, based on what other people are doing running feels like something I SHOULD be doing. And even when I run, I feel like I SHOULD be running farther (I've already come to terms with the fact that I won't be any faster, so no guilt there).

Second note to self: Running USA keeps track of what half marathon races have the fastest median finish times...and the slowest. If I ever plan on picking a half marathon, I shall pick a slow one.

But is running necessary if my goal is increased overall health? Not necessarily.

The argument for running

• I can get the same amount of "work" done in less time. I can run for 35 minutes or walk for 55. 
• There is a sense of accomplishment in doing an activity that growing up I never believed I could actually do.
• I have met and developed a bond with some really great people through running, even if they are all much faster than me.
• If I want to run in a road race or mud run with some friends or for a charity, I need to include running in my weekly exercise. As in if I want to run, I need to keep running.
• The more demand I'm able to put on my cardiovascular system through vigorous exercise, the more benefit to my cardiovascular health (as in I have a hard time consistently keeping my heart rate high enough to count as moderate-vigorous exercise when walking).
• Post-run I generally feel awesome.

The benefits of walking over running

• I CAN get similar cardiovascular and energy expenditure benefit, it will just take me more time. But if I also figure that post-run I also have to shower whereas walking mostly does not require de-stinking myself, maybe the time argument is a wash. Hmmm...
• Almost always I look forward to walking. I can put on my music, listen to a podcast or book, or chat it up with a friend and enjoy the time. Some days running is fun, and some days running...
• I like to have some social exercise sessions, and I can almost always find a friend to walk with. No matter their pace, most people are willing to go for a walk. Fewer people run, and if they do they are generally much, much faster than me.
• My need for special clothing decreases with walking. With running I'm always having to worry about the status of my shoes, which undergarments are best for keeping the sisters happy, wicking fabric, visors, workout bottoms that prevent chafing...all that to say a running wardrobe can be high maintenance. Walking just requires a decent pair of shoes. The number of considerations for clothing greatly decreases, and I can generally stay in my everyday clothes.
• My knees hurt less, which make me active the rest of the day. One of my overall goals is to include more daily activity through walking or biking the kids to school, etc whenever possible. If my body is hurting from exercise I'm much more likely to just grab the car keys.
• I don't think I look too strange when I walk. When I run...

So running or walking? Either.

Don't let the thought that if you aren't running you aren't healthy keep you from being more active and improving your health. Just move. Grab a friend. Move. And to my running friends, keep blowing up my facebook feed with your active pursuits. I'll be cheering you on, I may just not cross the same finish line.

Start One

I had a moment of sadness this weekend: too many of my pants are too tight. My arthritic knees are becoming symptomatic again (i.e. my knees feel like they are 80). Despite cool temperatures I had my worst run in forever on Sunday. I started feeling just "blah" even though I've been really active. While I love the freedom of not relying on the scale for validity, I've also been developing some unhealthy eating patterns that regardless of weight can lead to negative health consequences down the road. My knees tell me that right away. Down the road it can lead to increased risk for diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. So while still trying to maintain a relationship with food that doesn't involve guilt, punishment, or deprivation I also need to make some habit changes.

Do I try to completely revamp my life with one major holy grail master plan? Or do I take the snails pace and make one or two small changes at a time? This question has been tickling my brain for the last several days so I spent some time today geeking out over research on how to make lasting habit change. I by no means exhausted the current research, but I will share my thoughts with you based on the research and my own past experience.

So which is better? Major overhaul or small changes? Answer: depends. The why of the change plays a major role. For example, if NOT making a certain change will lead to immediate or certain harm there is much motivation to make the change permanent. If you suddenly develop a nut allergy it would behoove you to immediately rid your house of any possible dispensers of anaphylaxis...or stock up on epi-pens. But if your why is more vague or non-life threatening (i.e. my pants no longer fit) you will get more long term traction if you make small, incremental changes and then build on them. If healthy living was just about knowledge we'd all be a lot healthier. We generally KNOW we should eat fewer oreos and more broccoli, but it's our behavior patterns that are non-compliant. If you make one change and are successful it increases your belief that you can make more positive changes. Sometimes when we try to make a huge healthy life overhaul we get discouraged within days. Even trying to make "15 small changes" at once means a big lifestyle change. And often that is completely overwhelming.

The other problem we run into when trying to make major changes is we get bogged down in trying to find THE PLAN. What rules are right? Should I be eating paleo? Vegan? Vegetarian? Mediterranean? Hostess diet? Should I be running or walking? Is interval training or long duration better? And suddenly there are so many choices and we are unable to actually make a decision on what to try. We get bogged down in the details. I've caught myself several times spending hours and hours researching which exercises I should be doing, when in truth if I was just doing anything for that same amount of time I'd be healthier.

So this week I decided to start taking the turtle's approach. In the past when I've realized my eating and exercise habits were out of whack I'd make major crazy changes. I'd clear out the pantry of anything "unhealthy". And the minute I'd start banning so many foods I'd crave them all the more. I can drive by McD's everyday and never give it a second look until I decide to never eat fast food, then the the golden arches become a beacon of light. I'd create a workout plan that is more appropriate for a college athlete trying to increase performance than a mom trying to be healthy. And within two days my arthritic knees are unable to let me sit in a chair without major pain...which overall makes me more sedentary than if I just try to add movement throughout my day.

Back to the turtle's approach: Start One. Start One healthy habit a week. One. That's it. Not one AND another and another and another. That's been my approach in the past: "I'll drink 10 glasses of water a day...AND I'll cut out sweets...AND I'll get up at 5 am and exercise for an hour...AND..." By noon on Monday I'm tired, hungry, and heading to the bathroom every 5 minutes. The change will last maybe until Tuesday. Maybe. So I'll start with one.

And if I'm successful with my healthy habit, and it feels like I'm going to maintain that habit with ease I'll Start One more habit. If I struggled I'll give myself another week or two.

My Start One habit for this week: no eating sweet treats (meaning candy bars, cookies, cake, ice cream, etc.). I'm not eliminating all sugar, just those things I was snacking on waaay too often and they were becoming part of my everyday (every hour??) menu instead of the occasional treat.

What about you? I'd love to hear your approach to habit change.

My breakup

"I have always thought the actions of men the best interpreters of their thoughts." -John Locke

What I was saying and what I was doing were in complete contrast. On one hand I was saying that the scale and other similar measures didn't matter. That my character was not to be judged by any number. But my actions told a different story. Each morning I would step on the scale to be judged: good or bad. I would get out a tape measure weekly to see if the jury would convict or exonerate me. I based my self worth on how my smallest jeans fit.

My actions were displaying my true thoughts.

The scale was an idol. The tape measure a ruler. The jeans a shrine. All shouting that my size was the most important thing about me, no matter what my words were saying.

The first principle of Intuitive Eating is to reject the dieting mentality. To really grasp once and for all that "dieting" doesn't work. Usually "dieting" results in weight gain in the long run. We are often able to "white knuckle" it through bouts of restrictive eating only to find ourselves in situations of uncontrollable binging after...which is a mix of biology (our ancestors didn't want to starve) and psychology (tell me I can't have something and I want it even more). Or we find ourselves at the other end of the spectrum where we are truly afraid to eat.

Part of letting go of the dieting mentality is getting rid of the false measurements of success. If I really believed the scale didn't determine my worth, why did I step on it everyday to determine my mood? So in March I packed away the scale. I also packed away diet books (seriously, with at best a 5% success rate, why had I wasted money on these??) and clothes that would fit "if I just lost five pounds." It was scary. I was afraid without those measures I would surely pack on 100 pounds within a few months.

But I asked myself, in the next five years if I could eat nutritiously, exercise for mental and physical health, and have a healthy relationship with food but the scale remained the same or (gasp) even went up, would it be worth it? And what was I risking? I was already struggling to keep off the weight I had lost. If I tried this grand experiment of ditching the scale (and the dieting mentality) and it was horrible, I could always buy another book.

Almost four months after packing away the scale I can honestly say it's been one of the most freeing things I've done. My day is no longer determined by the scale. I don't just say my self worth isn't determined by a number on the scale, I follow through. The scale is packed away in the deep catacombs of my basement, and I plan to leave it there...unless I dig it out to throw it out our second story window.

What is intuitive eating?

"Ready, set..."
"Just jump in..."
"Ready 1-2-3..."
"Just jump in, you'll be fine..."

Similar phrases have been uttered from my mouth over and over and over again this summer as our six year old is trying to learn to swim. She is a logical thinker who likes to know the exact outcome of any move along with possible ways it could go wrong. And for a six year old with a tendency to worry, learning to jump in the pool leaves lots of unknowns. So she hesitates. And hesitates. And hesitates. Slowly she's gotten her courage. Slowly she's been brave enough to put her face in the water. Brave enough to jump.

I've felt a lot like her lately with my writing. I'm afraid that my words won't be well received. I'm afraid that I'll make some big proclamation about a goal or a plan only to see it all crumble a month later. So I hesitate. And hesitate. Slowly I'm remembering, I write for me. The joy is in the writing. If others actually read, all the better. If others actually enjoy the words, I am beyond blessed. But that's just icing on the cake.

Cake...

Wait, where was I?

Ah, yes. I've always been cautious about writing about a specific nutrition plan, aside from our trials with eating only whole foods. I'm afraid that I'll promote something that a month later I realize isn't the greatest plan. But I've also been wanting to share more about "Intuitive Eating." I'm going to stop hesitating. I'm going to write. I'm going to share from my experience about the book* and the ideas that have changed how I view food.

What is intuitive eating?
In my words, it's learning to listen to your internal cues for hunger and fullness. Eat when you're hungry, stop when you are full. Most of human history people have done this (that is, when food was actually available). Yet largely due to the marketing of foods, foods that are designed to eat beyond fullness, and chronic dieting, we've completely lost touch with hunger. We either constantly eat and never really feel hungry or restrict our eating to the point where we ignore our hunger. We eat out of habit. We eat out of emotion. We restrict out of guilt. Often times our hunger and fullness cues are so blunted by ignoring them we have no idea when we are hungry or full. Intuitive eating is learning to listen to those cues and can be helpful both for those who chronically restrict food to the point of ill health to those who constantly overeat for a variety of reasons.

It's no small coincidence that we as a society are dealing with both overeating and under-eating. Even those at a "normal" weight often cycle between times of restricting ("dieting") and times of overeating, often after a diet or before gearing up for the next one. Been there? I have. It's an unhealthy merry-go-round and I wanted off. I was regaining weight and had started looking for the next plan...the one that would hopefully be the holy grail of all things skinny. But I also knew the statistics that no matter the plan, people fell off more often than they were able to stay on. Chronic dieting is the biggest predictor of weight GAIN (yes) and also is more likely to lead someone to a clinical eating disorder. Why would I continue to engage in something (dieting) that had a better chance of doing harm than achieving a healthy outcome?  So I looked around and found the few intuitive eaters I knew. Saw how they never obsessed over food. They stayed a natural healthy weight for them. I wanted that. No obsession. Health.

So in March I bellyflopped into principle #1: "Banishing the dieting mentality."




*Information about intuitive eating can be found in the book "Intuitive Eating, 3rd Ed" by Evelyn Tribole & Elyse Resch. I can't recommend the book enough.

What I've gained...

The blogsphere and diet book world are full of stories of what people have gained by losing (weight). Heck, I've probably written a post or two about it. But seldom does anyone ever write about the process of regaining weight, unless it is with a firm resolve to start back on a path toward smaller-ness. Or sometimes there is a confession about eating too many seconds and not enough minutes on the treadmill. Such reflections are often filled with guilt and remorse and a question: how did I fail again??

But I'd like to take a different path. What have I gained by (re)gaining? Yes, about 18 months ago I did what I thought was impossible and lost a bunch of weight and kept it off for a good 9 months. Then slowly I wasn't nearly so militant about my meals. One thing led to another...but I'm here to say it isn't all bad. Here's what I've gained:

1. An appreciation for those who have struggled with weight maintenance. I always figured "how hard can it be? If you lose weight you should be able to keep it off." Yet 95% of people who set out to lose weight either never get there or are unable to keep it off. Why? Part of it is old habits dying hard. Part of it is biology kicking in and amping up hunger hormones. I never understood it, but now I get it on both an academic and a personal level. And I finally understand all those people who desperately want to get back to their high school size. My high school size was nothing to aspire to, but now I have pictures of a smaller me that taunt me.

2. An improved body acceptance. Yup. This body. Right here, right now. The one that no longer fits into my cute jeans but has more energy to go out and play with the kids. The one that is worrying less about each and every bite of food and more focus on those I share my meals with. At my smallest I really was a slave to food and exercise even though I was eating very little. Every thought was an obsession over how each and every part of my life would affect the scale. It made me pretty self-centered and unable to devote myself to things that really mattered. And I was never accepting of my body at my smallest. I'm now actually more accepting of my body here and now.

3. A final commitment to getting out of the dieting trap. In the book "Intuitive Eating" the authors describe our first diet as being similar to a first "love"...intoxicating. We always look back at that first diet with longing, thinking if only we could rekindle that same magic we could find ourselves back into smaller jeans bliss. But most of us (see #1) are going to be stuck on the dieting roller coaster. I would say every single diet plan out there claims to be a "lifestyle change", but we are often unable to keep up with that lifestyle for a variety of reasons. I saw it in myself and I see it all around me, people either constantly on a diet or looking for the next big one that will work. All that paired with times of overeating before the "lifestyle change." I don't want to be always looking at the next diet or be a slave to the scale. I want to live.

So does all this mean I've thrown health, fitness, and nutrition in the garbage? No, eating nutritious foods helps my body and mind feel better. I just no longer beat myself up if what I consume isn't nutritionally perfect. I still exercise for my mental health and for lifetime health. And I'm actually finding I enjoy both nutritious foods and exercise more when I'm pursuing them out of health and enjoyment rather than out of guilt.

Debt Free Marriage

This picture was taken exactly 10 years ago, almost to the minute. We were young. Blissful. Naive.

Ours was a whirlwind courtship. We got engaged after six weeks of dating. We were married eight months later. We were basically complete strangers just sure we were in love. I can't even remember what made us think that it was a good idea to get married so quickly. We laugh now thinking about how little we actually knew about each other.

During our engagement we both made the commitment to try and live debt free. We both entered the marriage with debt: student loans, vehicles, credit cards...typical consumer debt. We wanted to set our marriage out on the right foot so on our honeymoon we agreed only to spend the cash we had saved and what we had received as a wedding gift, which meant midway through our honeymoon we were eating "Bowl Appetites" made in our hotel microwave and watching really lame movies on cable TV. It wasn't "fun", but it started us off on the right foot by keeping our commitment to living debt free.

It took us several years to reach the point of debt freedom. While we have never been without, we also made sacrifices. We spent one anniversary eating tuna melts at home because we didn't have "extra" money that month. In general, we have not bought expensive gifts for each other for birthdays, Christmas, or our anniversary. The process of us moving in the same direction as a couple has been worth more to our marriage than an expensive meal out or a consumer gift that is soon forgotten.

Having a shared focus in our finances has helped make us stronger as a couple. Now that we are debt free, we are starting to be a little more open to spending money on some "fun" things to celebrate our marriage. But it also means that for now we are still driving our 11 year old van until we can save up enough to pay cash for a newer one. It means that we still make a budget every month. It means we keep a common commitment to stay debt free.

The concept of living debt free carries over into our relationships. I did not want 1 Corinthians 13 read at our wedding. I didn't want to be held accountable for "love keeping no record of wrongs" (surely that's not the correct translation...it's in my nature to keep a record of wrongs). My husband is a natural "forgiver." I swear he forgets my faulty actions before I can even say "I'm sorry." I'm much different. It's in my nature to want to hold on to every little hurt, hoarding them for future ammunition. Yet just like it's not easy or necessarily fun to live debt free, it is certainly worth the peace. The peace that forgiveness brings is worth more than gold, silver, or even a new minivan.

Becoming Me

I feel like a bad friend. The kind of friend who just comes around when it's convenient. I've been a little silent on a blog front...and for a few reasons. One is I have been censoring some of my post ideas like "Keep Your Opinion on My Uterus to Yourself". Another reason is I have been working through some perspective issues when it comes to food, weight, activity, and how that all fits into my identity.

A year ago I was at my lowest weight ever. I had accomplished something. As a people pleaser, I felt on top of the world with all the positive comments. And although I said the scale wasn't important and I said my value was more than how I looked, how I looked was becoming the biggest thing in my life. And even though I was at my lowest I was never satisfied with how I looked. Something was always wrong, and I was becoming highly self absorbed...like more than normal.

And then around the holidays I started to gain back some weight. Little by little it was creeping on and I found myself searching for the next magic bullet of the diet world. But I also saw others on that merry-go-round of weight up, weight down, weight up, weight down...going from one perfect "plan" to another in hopes that THIS would be the last one. I wanted off that merry-go-round, but I was afraid of what that meant for my weight.

You could say I was in a bit of a mental/physical tailspin. I had stopped doing any major exercise for a time since I was literally wanting to cry I dreaded the things I "should" be doing. For someone who loves being active, to find myself hating activity was not a happy place to be. I also struggled with my identity. After I lost weight I was ready to define myself as the gal who had always been overweight, finally been able to lose it, and I was going to be the one who kept it off and inspired others to do the same. It was going to be Me.

But I really wasn't liking that Me. The one who was self-absorbed, obsessed with the scale (despite saying otherwise), and a little over cranky with my family if they messed up my eating or exercise. My husband said I was pretty unhappy, although I couldn't see it. I was ready to try "the next big thing" when I came across "Intuitive Eating". Although my introduction to IE was through a fitness magazine that promoted it as a weight loss tool, IE is more about self-awareness that has nothing to do with the scale. I'm learning a lot about myself and by no means am I an expert on IE. I will say that the process is leading to a place of self-acceptance while also seeking health through fitness and nutrition. That may or may not mean weight loss (or weight gain). For me, it has meant improved mental health, a better perspective on the things that are really important in life, and a renewed interest in exercise and nutrition for health having (truly) nothing to do with weight.

I was a little sad to say good-bye to the thinner me. I looked back at pictures yesterday and thought "dang, girl..." But I decided what it took me to get and stay there wasn't worth it. So I'm not going to be the woman who lost weight, kept it off, and inspired others to do the same. I'm not going to be someone I thought others would like based off of cultural stereotypes of beauty.

And I promise not to write about a uterus (mine or anyone else's.)