Who I want to be when I grow up...

Astronaut. Lawyer. Comedienne. Teacher. Dancer. Veterinarian. Seamstress.

All occupations I thought I wanted to be at some time in my early years. Some of them are quite laughable. Seamstress? I can't even sew on a button nor do I have a desire to do so. Astronaut? Please. I hate heights and have no interest in space. Dancer? Only at a lively wedding dance.

It's a question that I never think I will fully answer. My inclinations change with time and life experience. This week I found myself asking not what do I want to "do" but what do I want to "be"? Or rather, how would I want to be remembered? If something tragic were to happen tomorrow, what would I want my legacy to be? And does the way I spend my time and energy on a daily basis reflect who I really want to be?

I spend way too much time worrying about the reflection in the mirror or the weight on the scale.  I spend so much emotional energy beating myself up over eating a Kit Kat or missed workout when in the scope of life it doesn't even matter. If I were to die tomorrow would I want people to say "She never missed a workout?" or "She never missed a chance to ask how I was doing?" When I look at the women I consider beautiful it has absolutely nothing to do with the size of their waist and everything to do with how they interact with the people around them. And I want that to be where I focus more of my energy.

That doesn't mean I'll stop placing importance on exercise, but now exercise is more about what it can do for me mentally and a chance for a little me time. It's about being able to be active as long as possible and to be able to do my job without needing an oxygen mask. It doesn't mean I'll stop trying to have lots of fruits and vegetables on my plate, but it will be because I love my body and want to feed it, not because I hate by body or want someone elses. (PS-this will never stop being an inner struggle, I'm sure).

And there are so many other things that I need to remind myself:

It doesn't matter how fashionable my shirt is, but it matters if I would be willing to give it to someone else who needs it more than me.

It doesn't matter how new or clean my car is (thankfully), but that I would be willing to help someone with their transportation needs.

It doesn't matter if I bring a simple meal or a gourmet meal to a family experiencing a hard time, but it does matter that I cared enough to bring them something edible.

It doesn't matter how clean or fancy our home is, but it does matter that I make it a priority to make others feel comfortable and welcome in our home.

I want to BE someone who is able to keep the right perspective in life. To recognize the things that don't matter 5 years from now (like if there are dirty dishes when an unexpected guest drops by), and to be able to see the things that seem insignificant but have long term benefit, like taking the time to play a game with my kids.

Body Envy

I spent most of my life in the plus size section. In my head anyone who was a smaller size was automatically more beautiful than I was. I thought if I could just be smaller I would be beautiful. Even though I could look at my fellow plus sized sisters and see their beauty, I could never see my own. I felt that there was no possible way I was attractive. It also spilled over into other areas. I didn't have the confidence to run for student council because I thought people wouldn't vote for me due to my weight. If you have a lump in your throat or a tear in your eye, you've been there too.

Then I lost weight and gained some and lost some and gained some and finally was able to get down to a healthy weight. I've been there for almost a year. And you know what, that assumption that if only I were smaller I would feel more beautiful was false. I see that even people at smaller sizes are dissatisfied with how they look or feel in their own bodies. I think most of us do. And for so many reasons.

January 1 is a prime time for us to be assaulted with images that lead to body envy. Exercise programs that promise ripped abs and a firm bottom. I started the year working out with a knockoff of the P90x system (I knew that P90x was going to be too hard on my body and wallet). While I loved the workout, I found that deep down I was disappointed that I was looking nothing like the ripped, scantily clad fitness maven. The only lines you'll see on this midsection are stretch marks from years of losing and gaining.

And it's so easy to get stuck in that icky place of body envy. We are assaulted by genetically gifted, air brushed fitness models from the magazine racks in the checkout aisles (just buying and reading the magazine won't make our bodies any smaller...trust me, I tried). We are promised a quick, easy routine on Pinterest that will melt away the baby fat. And while I'm a huge fan of exercise for your health and as an aid to losing weight, we have to realize that for most of us our expectations for what exercise can do in relation to our waistline is not really close to the reality. So for myself, I had to step away from some of the exercise videos and magazines and websites that were causing me huge amounts of body envy...leading to my own body hatred. I've started to embrace exercises and routines that not only give me a great workout but leave me feeling better about myself (not disappointed that I don't look like the genetically gifted, super healthy gal on the screen). I try to make myself more knowledgeable in areas of health and fitness so I can better create realistic expectations.

I'm sure I will always look in the mirror and want to change something (or lots of things, depending on the day), but I'm learning to be thankful for each and every beautiful flaw. That excess weight? It means I'm blessed enough to be living in a time and place where food is in abundance. By the grace of God I haven't known the heartache of seeing my child go hungry. Those stretch marks? Some of them are from the time I carried my two beautiful children. Those sore knees? It means I've had the ability to go out and be active for most of my life. That zit on my chin...okay, I'm still working on embracing all of my flaws.

The switch

In the past month I haven't posted a single blog post. I've written probably 100 in my head while driving, exercising, or laying in bed at night. I just haven't had the inspiration during the times I actually have a free moment at the computer. My last post was about the status of my post-holiday scale. I sounded so positive, so ready to return to my healthy eating...and yet a month later I stood and saw the same-ish number on the scale. Discouraging.

And maybe that's where you find yourself. Maybe a month ago you had big goals to eat healthier, exercise more, or get your finances in order. Yet as the cold days of January passed (three of ours were without heat) it seemed that you weren't able to make any progress on your goal. The Christmas cookies were replaced with other temptations. The weather made your bed way more tempting than your desire to lace up your sneakers. Your budget was broken with an unexpected expense (hello new furnace). And that's just been me. And that's just been January.

It's easy to just think "it's not going to work. I'm not going to be able to get back on track so I might as well be satisfied with being close to the track."

But for me, two days ago a switch flipped. I can't describe it, and I wish I could give you a formula to replicate it for yourself. I went from "I want to do all these things" yet not fully being able to follow through to "That's it, I'm going to do it. No excuses." And it's not just words, it's what I feel down in my gut. Like suddenly that Hershey's Bliss in my cupboard is not nearly so tempting. The knick-nack at the store isn't worth messing with my budget. It's the same mind change I had a little over a year ago when I was finally able to lose about 40 pounds. On Monday morning  (I know, all of 2 days ago) I felt that switch flip on again. It was probably the post-Super Bowl bloat that pushed me over the edge.

So for now I'm just focusing on my nutrition. If I get that back in check it seems everything else eventually follows. And it isn't easy. Just because my mind suddenly decided that snitching chips isn't worth it doesn't mean that I haven't had times the past two days where a part of me wants to slip back into some sort of high calorie snack (that's my downfall...snacks). And there is always a part of me that says "it doesn't really matter...one bite won't hurt." And if I could just take one bite that would be completely true. But for me, one bite isn't enough. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl. And for some areas of life that is awesome. When it comes to chocolate, not so much.

Shake off the discouragement of the hopes you had a month ago. It's a new day...even a dreary, cold, windy day in Illinois can be a day for a new start. A day for you to flip a switch and say today is the day I ___________________.

Out of control

Welcome January. The month I take down my Christmas tree and actually get my Christmas letters sent (maybe, they are still in a semi-assembled pile). And the month to take back a little bit of control.

November AND December were doozies on both the spending and eating front. Spending I’ll talk about in a later post. Today I’ll talk about my friend, food.

Welcome back, overeating. I hadn’t missed you a bit. Christmas cutout cookie? Don’t mind if I do. Latte? Yes please. With whipped cream? Of course. Massive amounts of cheesy potatoes? I thought you’d never ask. Christmas cutout cookie? Sure, I’ll have another (five). Pie? MMMMMM. Pie.

And thus was my November and December. Between moving, multiple sicknesses making their home in our family, and holiday festivies I fell into some old, bad habits. I would start out each day great. Healthy breakfast. Nourishing lunch. Then somewhere between lunch and bed I’d find cookies and it would spiral downward. One cookie is a treat. Six cookies…overkill. And I told myself “you can take it off in January.”

So it’s January. Five pounds up (it was eight, but I’ve been pretty healthy this week). Still at a healthier weight than I was a year ago. But I’m committed to getting my weight back to where it was…for health (and to be honest, a bit of vanity). The last five are not just “bloat” pounds…you know, the kind that a few days of eating healthy takes away…I already lost those three. The last five are honest to goodness not good for me weight. So I’m on week 2 of my cookie detox. I told myself I wouldn’t punish myself, but the cookies had to go. And I forgot how incredibly HARD sticking to a strict healthy eating plan was. After the weight is gone it’s easy to look back and think “that wasn’t so bad”…but now that I’m living it again it really is incredibly hard. Not impossible, just hard.

So fellow cookie detoxers…take heart. It can be done. It will be done. It isn’t easy. It isn’t fun. And you should find some joy in what’s on your plate. For me, the joy for now is in some really yummy butternut squash soup and not a frosted snowman.

And now for something completely different

 

Resolved: In 2013 I will:

Bask more. Love more. Play more. Be easy on myself. I will never get it all done, so I might as well be fun.*

I’m a go getter. Driven by a to do list. Plagued by that never ending list. Motivated by specific and achievable goals. And that has helped me and my family in a lot of ways. But for this year I decided I’ve spent too much time trying to improve myself and my home that I’ve left little, if any, time to just enjoy life.

So this year I’m going to spend more time playing games with the kids and less time worried about if all the pieces are put away (at least right now). I’m going to enjoy time having friends and family over to our home and not worry about perfection in the décor or state of cleanliness. I’m going to exercise for my enjoyment and health and not out of a sense of guilt or fear of regaining weight. I’m going to silence my iphone and engage in meaningful conversation with my husband (actually making eye contact, not our usual conversation in which we are usually both alternately looking at each other then our facebook newsfeed). 

I want to rediscover my silly and fun self that seems to have been lost in a haze of HGTV, fitness magazines, other people's "shoulds" and Pinterest.

My resolution is completely uncharacteristic of the goals I've had the last few years. They were measurable. Time bound. Quantified. And I still believe if you really want to achieve something like weight loss, a career change, or paying off debt that written and specific goals are absolutely the way to go. But for this resolution I will just celebrate the successes and learn from the failures.

Success #1: Enjoying a quiet evening of take out pizza and conversation with friends on New Year's Eve and being in bed before 10:00 PM.

Failure #1: Spending all of New Year's Day and the following day painting and trying to be Ty Pennington in our master suite. 

Success #2: Setting aside my to do list and sitting down to blog with a cup of yummy coffee (I even have my kindle here ready for a few moments of reading).

Success #3: Waiting until January 3 to declare my resolution.

And such will be my year.

*Adapted from the wall art at Meijer that is shown above. My budget-minded self made me put it back on the shelf so I can’t credit the artist.

One moment

I spent the better part of last week engrossed in a mundane task...painting out entryway. The walls were highly textured, and there was a variety of trim that made the whole process slooooow. Anytime I have a mundane task that requires minimal attention but maximal time I always find my mind wandering. During this particular project I found myself contemplating matters such as my hair color, the Christmas letter I need to write, and "if the world really does end on 12-21-12 the time I spent painting was really quite silly" (which is why I haven't written my Christmas letter...if we're all still here on 12-22 I'll write it, and it will be late like usual). I also had a specific contemplative thought..."what type of news could I receive right now that would make me drop this paint and leave the job unfinished?" Something life changing that happens to nearly everyone at some point. An accident. A diagnosis. A tragedy. Luckily my mind did not dwell there. I did not yet know of the horror that was playing out in an elementary school.

As soon as the last swipe of paint was on the wall I checked my facebook newsfeed. And there it was. At the time the reports were that the shooting had taken place in a kindergarten classroom. Kindergarten. My daughter. And for that moment I had that wave of panic. But the reality was not mine. And as I took a breath there was deep down inside that groan all of us experienced..."No. Just no." Grief. Disbelief. Before there is a thought of a political rant about gun control or religion or mental illness there was that moment that is filled with anguished silent wailing.

I wanted to race to the school to get my daughter. I wanted to embrace her. I wanted her to know how important she is to me. But instead of causing her panic by pulling her out of school I went to the store and bought a frame to display a picture she had drawn of me drinking a large cup of coffee. I had been wanting to do it, and I decided I didn't want another day to go by without her having another tangible way for me to show her I love her.

When the time did come to pick her up from school I wanted to hug her, but I knew my tears would start again. So I took her little hand in mine like I usually do, a little tighter this time, and asked her about her day. She was sad about not having time to finish a project at school. I wanted that innocence back for the children of Newtown, Conneticut, that the worst part of their day would have been not completing a project. That the parents would have to deal with telling a child to use their inside voice rather than face the silence.

On Monday morning I'll be sure to give her an extra hug. If she wants to cuddle a little extra this weekend I'll be sure to take the time. And I pray that I never again take for granted each day God has given us as a family.

 

Singing Those Post-Halloween Candy Blues

Two days ago we bundled up our little Samurai and Fairy-Butterly-Princess for the yearly walk for candy. Although we only went trick or treating for about an hour, the kids both brought home quite a haul. Snickers. Reese's. Icky pink bubblegum. Kit Kats. Twix. Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Plenty of temptation and naughtiness for anyone (or any family) trying not to indulge their sweet tooth too much.

Maybe you fell prey the first night to "checking" your kids' candy bags, for their safety of course;) And along the way, a Snicker here or a Hershey's there just had to be sampled. And what kid is going to eat an Almond Joy, so you had that too (and by you I mean me). Suddenly you found yourself in a guilt-induced panic and shoved all the wrappers to the bottom of the garbage, because then the calories just don't count.

Determined to do better, you told yourself no more candy. And that lasted until 10am and you grabbed another Snickers because it really does satisfy. And then a Reese's because surely you burned it off somehow. And by the end of day you once again felt like you failed the post-Halloween candy test.

Day 3...how are you doing?

I'm a firm believer in a few things:
1. Chocolate (or select goodie of your choice) in small amounts is good for morale. A fun size bar is around 100 calories. That's like walking or jogging a mile, give or take. So one is probably going to be okay if the rest of your eating is healthy. More than that you are going to have to work off or pay the consequences. And note: it is much easier to consume 300 calories worth of fun size bars...it is much harder to get those 3 miles in.

2. If you are really, really trying to lose weight at the moment, it's best to steer clear completely. I am one that much too easily thinks one little bite won't hurt...and then it becomes 10. Or thinking that my morning workout burned way more calories than what it actually did. If you are trying to see the scale go down, for me it really did work best to cut out all the goodies for a time and slowly add them back in at a much smaller dosage once you hit your goal.

So how can you deal with temptation if it's lurking in a fake jackolantern basket?
1. Out of sight, out of mind. Put those puppies where you can't see them or easily reach them.

2. Set limits and follow them. In our house, that means one treat a day for everyone. We're trying to teach the kids neither to fear food nor be given to gluttony. That's about 100 calories or less per person.

3. If the limits aren't working (or if you are really serious about winning the losing battle)...flee, flee, flee temptation. Get it out of your sight. Get it out of the house if you need to. I  had to do this last year since I started my weight loss plan on Nov. 1. Not a bite. Not ever until I hit my goal.

Add caption

4. If your whole family needs to steer clear of the sweets, consider enlisting the help of a "switch witch" (or other clever name you come up with). Leave the candy out for the "witch", the next day the candy will be gone but a non-food prize will be there. Note: the candy must go directly in the outside garbage and throw the nastiest thing you can on it so you don't dumpster dive in a moment of chocolate craving. IT SHOULD NOT GO TO YOUR SECRET CANDY DRAWER.