It's been a hard week. Okay, that may be an understatement. It has been a completely emotionally draining week, and it's just Wednesday. I'm even having a hard time generating words to explain everything that has been going on. The bombings at the Boston Marathon really shook me. As a (kinda) runner, I imagined the runners who had trained for such a difficult race that usually ends in celebration simply for finishing, which was suddenly turned into a tragic event. I also thought of the athletic trainers and athletic training students that I knew were helping in the medical tents. I thought about how they went from helping athletes with dehydration to dealing with injuries that would shake even the most experienced in emergency medicine. And how they will never be the same.
That same day our community was praying for a husband, father, teacher, and coach that had been in a tragic car accident on Saturday. He passed away the next day. Those of you who live in a small community understand how such a loss affects everyone. I ache for his family, his friends, his students, his fellow coaches, and players.
Add to that several friends and family members that are walking through their own trials. In all of these things I feel helpless to do anything. I can't fix any of it. There may be things I can do do help with the burdens, but I cannot heal any of it. It is a completely unnerving feeling.
When life gets stressful like this I want to run away. Or eat. Or run away and eat. When life is out of control food is the one thing I can control. I can shovel food in my mouth to help soothe that sadness that feels like hunger. Others will do the opposite and not eat anything in an effort to control something in life. Both actions are an effort to help control the one thing in life we can control, food. But then it quickly spirals into the food controlling us.
I've been working through the book "Intuitive Eating." The 7th principle is to cope with emotions without using food. Sounds easy, until the emotions are so intense that food seems like the only thing that will help. Monday I found myself with knife in hand and loaf of banana bread ahead of me. Back to what I knew. After a few years of dieting it is pretty easy for me to fall back into emotional eating. And the food does temporarily feel good. But in the end the emotions are still there, waiting to be dealt with. I literally said "step away from the banana bread." Not because banana bread is evil, but because I was ready to binge to try and deal with life. And I knew it wouldn't stop with that one loaf.
It's been a few days of reminding myself it's okay to eat for hunger, but mindlessly eating to try and stuff down emotions doesn't heal the emotions. I need to find other ways of dealing with the emotions. For me finding several different ways to deal...sometimes talking with friends, sometimes being alone. Sometimes finding a chance to laugh, sometimes finding a moment to cry. Sometimes going for a run or walk to use the "fight or flight" hormones that are increased, sometimes simply sitting in the quiet. In all things remembering that even when I can't understand God's plan, He's still there.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
FABULOUS...& flawed
It all started with the innocent unwrapping of a Dove Mint & Dark Chocolate square. Inside each little candy is an uplifting thought, many encouraging you to enjoy...eat more chocolate. This particular wrapper bore the thought "It's OK to be fabulous AND flawed." That thought has had my little mind racing ever since.
On the outside we are always trying to project our fabulous...our flawless fabulous. We strive for fabulous homes and are often left saddened with the constant realization that our homes will never be like those in Better Homes and Gardens. We want fabulous children that never misbehave and excel at everything. We want a flawless marriage, a fabulous body, and flawless skin. We are constantly bombarded by products and services that promise to take us from flawed to fabulous. We never let on that we are anything but fabulous (if we can help it). Often the pictures we post on facebook are the ones where our kids are looking oh so cute or perfect...or even if they are messy it is a cute mess. We share the cute stories and accomplishments. We spend so much energy trying to be flawless...only having it become more painfully clear that we are anything but flawless.
What we feel down deep is completely flawed. Each of us has our own areas where we feel like a flawed failure. We each know the crud we deal with...body image, issues in our marriage, painful memories, children that are struggling in school or life, a face that reveals both wrinkles and acne (maybe that one is just me). Often we don't want to share our flaws with others, yet we are constantly reminded of them to the point of obsession. We forget that our flaws also mean something fabulous. I know it is sometimes very difficult to see any blessing in our flaws, but if nothing else they help us connect with others when we are honest.
I've become more thankful about some things in my past, particularly my weight. Through most of elementary and all of high school I was overweight, and generally not by just a little. And it was at a time when most other kids did not carry a little extra fluff. I was teased. I took that to mean I was undesirable, that I wasn't going to succeed. I didn't run for student council because I did think anyone would vote for an overweight girl. I didn't think any guy would want to date me because of my size so I often dressed in oversized, frumpy clothes. In fact I spent most of my senior year wearing one of my dad's old flannel shirts that was 3 or 4 sizes too big. But lately I've become oh so thankful for that past.
Why? Because I never defined myself with beauty I spent time trying to better myself in other areas: academics, friendships, and service. Because I felt no guy would want to date me and often dressed the part, I have very few heartaches in the ex-boyfriend department. I became a stronger woman because of my flaws. I can look back at my high school self and appreciate that fabulously flawed girl.
Yes, we are flawed and fabulous. Perfectly imperfect. And I'm realizing more we don't necessarily need to fix all of our flaws. Sometimes it's by embracing our flaws that we can realize how they have made us fabulous.
How about you? How are you fabulously flawed?
On the outside we are always trying to project our fabulous...our flawless fabulous. We strive for fabulous homes and are often left saddened with the constant realization that our homes will never be like those in Better Homes and Gardens. We want fabulous children that never misbehave and excel at everything. We want a flawless marriage, a fabulous body, and flawless skin. We are constantly bombarded by products and services that promise to take us from flawed to fabulous. We never let on that we are anything but fabulous (if we can help it). Often the pictures we post on facebook are the ones where our kids are looking oh so cute or perfect...or even if they are messy it is a cute mess. We share the cute stories and accomplishments. We spend so much energy trying to be flawless...only having it become more painfully clear that we are anything but flawless.
What we feel down deep is completely flawed. Each of us has our own areas where we feel like a flawed failure. We each know the crud we deal with...body image, issues in our marriage, painful memories, children that are struggling in school or life, a face that reveals both wrinkles and acne (maybe that one is just me). Often we don't want to share our flaws with others, yet we are constantly reminded of them to the point of obsession. We forget that our flaws also mean something fabulous. I know it is sometimes very difficult to see any blessing in our flaws, but if nothing else they help us connect with others when we are honest.
I've become more thankful about some things in my past, particularly my weight. Through most of elementary and all of high school I was overweight, and generally not by just a little. And it was at a time when most other kids did not carry a little extra fluff. I was teased. I took that to mean I was undesirable, that I wasn't going to succeed. I didn't run for student council because I did think anyone would vote for an overweight girl. I didn't think any guy would want to date me because of my size so I often dressed in oversized, frumpy clothes. In fact I spent most of my senior year wearing one of my dad's old flannel shirts that was 3 or 4 sizes too big. But lately I've become oh so thankful for that past.
Why? Because I never defined myself with beauty I spent time trying to better myself in other areas: academics, friendships, and service. Because I felt no guy would want to date me and often dressed the part, I have very few heartaches in the ex-boyfriend department. I became a stronger woman because of my flaws. I can look back at my high school self and appreciate that fabulously flawed girl.
Yes, we are flawed and fabulous. Perfectly imperfect. And I'm realizing more we don't necessarily need to fix all of our flaws. Sometimes it's by embracing our flaws that we can realize how they have made us fabulous.
How about you? How are you fabulously flawed?
Monday, March 18, 2013
Diagnosis: Perfection Infection
The simple joys in my life. A comfy chair. A warm cup of coffee with cream and sugar. A good book.
Sometimes I read a non-fiction book that completely rocks my world. In the past month I've read three: No More Perfect Moms by Jill Savage, How Am I Smart by Dr. Kathy Koch, and Intuitive Eating. This past weekend I had the opportunity to hear both Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy speak at the Hearts at Home National Conference. As much as I was blown away by the content of their books, I was even more so convicted and comforted by their presentations at the conference. Today I'm going to reflect on Jill's presentation "No More Perfect Moms."
Jill's message: there are no perfect moms, and we need allow to ourselves and others the space to make mistakes. Jill calls that angst we feel as part of our desire to be perfect "perfection infection"...and boy oh boy have I had that. The feeling that my house, marriage, children, career, and body all need to be perfect. And rather than motivating me to become a better person it makes me anxious, sad, and always inadequate. You don't have to be a mom to feel the negative effects of perfection infection. Everyone has areas of their life that they feel the unnecessary pressure to be perfect, whether it be from your own mind or from family, workplace, or other social groups.
In the season of motherhood, perfection infection often starts with the minute we find out we are carrying or make the decision to adopt. What is the BEST way to feed our child? Diaper our child? Set a sleep schedule (or let the child chose their own)? And somewhere along the way we find that we've not only been trying to find what is best for our own household, but we start judging others if their decision differs from our own.
And we need to stop it.
We need to stop having unrealistic expectations on our marriages, children, careers, homes, and most of all on ourselves. We are not a failure if the house is less than clean or if our children misbehave in public. Perfection infection at times has kept me from inviting others over to my house because I was afraid of what they would think of the mess or the imperfect décor. I’ve held back from introducing myself to others out of fear of what they would think of how I looked. I’ve spent way too much time and energy worrying that others wouldn’t like me because of my size. I’ve spent money I didn’t have to buy things I didn’t need to impress people I don’t even know. I’ve unfairly chastised my children in public for misbehaving when their only crime was being a kid.
And I want to stop. I want to embrace the perfect imperfection in my life. I don’t want my tombstone to say “She had an immaculate house, a great figure, a perfect marriage, and well behaved kids.” My desire is that at the end of my life others would be able to say that I was welcoming, gracious, compassionate, and authentic. And that starts today. And tomorrow. And the next day. Because invariably I will fail at trying to let go of my infection perfection.
How about you? How is perfection infection holding you back from what you really want to be?
Sometimes I read a non-fiction book that completely rocks my world. In the past month I've read three: No More Perfect Moms by Jill Savage, How Am I Smart by Dr. Kathy Koch, and Intuitive Eating. This past weekend I had the opportunity to hear both Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy speak at the Hearts at Home National Conference. As much as I was blown away by the content of their books, I was even more so convicted and comforted by their presentations at the conference. Today I'm going to reflect on Jill's presentation "No More Perfect Moms."
Jill's message: there are no perfect moms, and we need allow to ourselves and others the space to make mistakes. Jill calls that angst we feel as part of our desire to be perfect "perfection infection"...and boy oh boy have I had that. The feeling that my house, marriage, children, career, and body all need to be perfect. And rather than motivating me to become a better person it makes me anxious, sad, and always inadequate. You don't have to be a mom to feel the negative effects of perfection infection. Everyone has areas of their life that they feel the unnecessary pressure to be perfect, whether it be from your own mind or from family, workplace, or other social groups.
In the season of motherhood, perfection infection often starts with the minute we find out we are carrying or make the decision to adopt. What is the BEST way to feed our child? Diaper our child? Set a sleep schedule (or let the child chose their own)? And somewhere along the way we find that we've not only been trying to find what is best for our own household, but we start judging others if their decision differs from our own.
And we need to stop it.
We need to stop having unrealistic expectations on our marriages, children, careers, homes, and most of all on ourselves. We are not a failure if the house is less than clean or if our children misbehave in public. Perfection infection at times has kept me from inviting others over to my house because I was afraid of what they would think of the mess or the imperfect décor. I’ve held back from introducing myself to others out of fear of what they would think of how I looked. I’ve spent way too much time and energy worrying that others wouldn’t like me because of my size. I’ve spent money I didn’t have to buy things I didn’t need to impress people I don’t even know. I’ve unfairly chastised my children in public for misbehaving when their only crime was being a kid.
And I want to stop. I want to embrace the perfect imperfection in my life. I don’t want my tombstone to say “She had an immaculate house, a great figure, a perfect marriage, and well behaved kids.” My desire is that at the end of my life others would be able to say that I was welcoming, gracious, compassionate, and authentic. And that starts today. And tomorrow. And the next day. Because invariably I will fail at trying to let go of my infection perfection.
How about you? How is perfection infection holding you back from what you really want to be?
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Time for a breakup?
For years I have felt like I
have multiple personalities with food. One day I'm completely all about
eating healthy, losing or maintaining a "healthy weight", and all
things popular in the diet and fitness world. The next day I just want
to accept who I am and not be consumed by the scale or my food log. If you go back to the beginning of my blog I was writing about how I was so done with all things diet and the scale...then the next month I started a restrictive weight loss program that gave me results. Most of my life I've been an emotional overeater. I would inhale food and be completely oblivious. My time
would then be littered with small, unsuccessful bouts at weight loss (at
least in the long term). Then the past year and a half I was successful
at losing
weight through a restrictive plan.
Since November of 2011 I have been completely ruled by the scale...and I'm realizing it hasn't been doing good things for my mental health. My sister sent me an article about intuitive eating. At first I was a skeptic.... I thought (and still worry) that there's no way I could tap into my natural hunger cues. But the more I've been reading and doing my own research it started to make sense. And here is what I asked myself last night that made me finally put away the scale (at least for now):
If I could develop a healthy relationship with food where it was neither my comforter nor my enemy, if I could restore a little joy in my life by not obsessing about food or weight, would it be worth it? If never lose another pound or (gulp) maybe even gain some weight (or have to buy a larger size), would my mental health be better by not being on the constant roller coaster of deciding how my day is going to do based on the scale? And can I ever get back to the joy of just working out for the mental and physical benefits I feel and not out of guilt motivated by weight loss?
This is my hope.
Since November of 2011 I have been completely ruled by the scale...and I'm realizing it hasn't been doing good things for my mental health. My sister sent me an article about intuitive eating. At first I was a skeptic.... I thought (and still worry) that there's no way I could tap into my natural hunger cues. But the more I've been reading and doing my own research it started to make sense. And here is what I asked myself last night that made me finally put away the scale (at least for now):
If I could develop a healthy relationship with food where it was neither my comforter nor my enemy, if I could restore a little joy in my life by not obsessing about food or weight, would it be worth it? If never lose another pound or (gulp) maybe even gain some weight (or have to buy a larger size), would my mental health be better by not being on the constant roller coaster of deciding how my day is going to do based on the scale? And can I ever get back to the joy of just working out for the mental and physical benefits I feel and not out of guilt motivated by weight loss?
This is my hope.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Intuitive eating???
So I've been struggling with the few pounds I gained in the process of moving and holidays and just generally eating more and exercising less. As much as I say the scale doesn't matter I have been letting it rule my mornings. Like this morning at 4am after helping my son get re-settled in bed I decided to step on the scale and it was up. UP? I've been diligently not having sweets (by diligently I mean 3 days) and a few other restrictive rules I've put on myself to try and get back to where I felt I was healthier. I was ready at that moment to lace up my shoes and go for a run. I didn't. I know the slippery slope of exercising out of guilt and that's not the relationship I want to have with my running shoes. I keep thinking one of these days in a dramatic episode with my scale I'll open our second story window and chuck the scale.
But I probably won't. I'd have to clean up the pieces. And probably end up buying a new scale.
Weight loss is hard. Maintaining weight loss is hard. Statistically, only about 5% of people who lose weight are able to maintain it. That's why most of my life I've been so anti-diet industry until I actually lost, and now I feel like I'm sucked into this vortex of always looking for THE PLAN that is going to help me lose or maintain. It is an endless, mindboggling, futile game. I'm trying hard not to engage.
Yesterday my sister sent me an article on intuitive eating, so of course I've now spent lots of time researching that rabbit trail. I rely both on people's personal experiences as well as actual research. Intuitive eating doesn't promise weight loss, but a healthy, non-restrictive approach to eating. There are several approaches similar to intuitive eating (mindful eating, healthy at any size, and several others) that use the idea of body acceptance, non-restrictive eating, exercising for other benefits (not weight loss), and relying on internal cues to note hunger and satiety.
It sounds so good. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I haven't ever had that. Most of my life food was a source of comfort, friendship, and a way to deal with hurt feelings. I would indulge in soda, candy, massive amounts of pasta, ice cream, burritos, all without a bit of guilt. I was eating them for all the wrong reasons, but I didn't have the burden of regret. Now the pendulum swings the other way, where almost any slight overeating comes with regret. Especially when the scale tells on me.
So do I think it would work for me? As a weight loss aid, probably not. The article I first read was touting it as a weight loss method, but most research shows there to be no weight loss benefit. For me personally, I think deep down I still harbor that unhealthy desire to fill disappointment with a Snickers or three. And our society is filled with propaganda from the food and beverage companies to override our innate ability to know when to eat or when we are full. (Hello advertising!)
But I'm going to do more reading. I want to have a healthy relationship with food...one where I don't compulsively overeat out of my emotions but I also don't beat myself up emotionally for enjoying a meal out with friends.
But I probably won't. I'd have to clean up the pieces. And probably end up buying a new scale.
Weight loss is hard. Maintaining weight loss is hard. Statistically, only about 5% of people who lose weight are able to maintain it. That's why most of my life I've been so anti-diet industry until I actually lost, and now I feel like I'm sucked into this vortex of always looking for THE PLAN that is going to help me lose or maintain. It is an endless, mindboggling, futile game. I'm trying hard not to engage.
Yesterday my sister sent me an article on intuitive eating, so of course I've now spent lots of time researching that rabbit trail. I rely both on people's personal experiences as well as actual research. Intuitive eating doesn't promise weight loss, but a healthy, non-restrictive approach to eating. There are several approaches similar to intuitive eating (mindful eating, healthy at any size, and several others) that use the idea of body acceptance, non-restrictive eating, exercising for other benefits (not weight loss), and relying on internal cues to note hunger and satiety.
It sounds so good. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I haven't ever had that. Most of my life food was a source of comfort, friendship, and a way to deal with hurt feelings. I would indulge in soda, candy, massive amounts of pasta, ice cream, burritos, all without a bit of guilt. I was eating them for all the wrong reasons, but I didn't have the burden of regret. Now the pendulum swings the other way, where almost any slight overeating comes with regret. Especially when the scale tells on me.
So do I think it would work for me? As a weight loss aid, probably not. The article I first read was touting it as a weight loss method, but most research shows there to be no weight loss benefit. For me personally, I think deep down I still harbor that unhealthy desire to fill disappointment with a Snickers or three. And our society is filled with propaganda from the food and beverage companies to override our innate ability to know when to eat or when we are full. (Hello advertising!)
But I'm going to do more reading. I want to have a healthy relationship with food...one where I don't compulsively overeat out of my emotions but I also don't beat myself up emotionally for enjoying a meal out with friends.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Can't change my genes, so I need to change the jeans...
"Do jeans shrink after having them a while?"
That's the text I sent to my sister yesterday. I had to wiggle myself into a pair of previously great-ish fitting jeans. It had to be my dryer. It just had to be.
Or the few pounds I've gained that seem to want to bring their friends along to the party.
It's also the style of the jeans. They are a lower rise cut than what this body should be wearing. My genes pretty much allow me to lose (and gain) weight pretty proportionately, but after having been overweight most of my life and having two kids, the belly area just needs to have a little extra support. And the low rise jeans don't do it. When I was at my slimmest I could get away with it if I was wearing a cami to prevent anyone from getting a flash my lower tummy. I knew they weren't the best cut for me, but I got them for 70% off and they were trendy and cute...something I'd never experienced in a jean.
Now that I'm struggling a bit with some old eating habits the jeans have become a bit unflattering...or to put it better when I'm wearing them I'm sporting a huge muffin top. And then it makes everything look worse. I tried to put them on again today. I felt so self conscious and thought my shirt looked awful, too. I started feeling completely down on myself which then makes everything worse. The house feels like more of a mess than it is. One day without a workout feels like a year of sitting on the couch. Every shortcoming I have magnifies in my mind.
I didn't want to change the jeans or admit that they weren't a good fit for my body. It would feel like I was giving up.
But I did it. I changed out of the cute, trendy jeans into a more flattering pair. A pair that did a better job of masking my perfect imperfections. Those jeans, too, were flattering, but a better cut for my body. I kid you not, suddenly the shirt that had just moments ago that I thought looked awful looked much nicer when I was wearing jeans that fit the right way. I wasn't nearly so discouraged about my other shortcoming. Rather than feeling overwhelmed and dejected I had hope. All because I changed my jeans.
How many times do we feel bad about ourselves because of how a piece of clothing looks? We rarely think "that's a bad cut for my body", we think "my body is bad for that cut." We place the emphasis on our own imperfections, which for most of us discourages us even further. We get to the point of thinking "why even try to improve my health?" That's the point I was at because of my jeans. A lousy pair of jeans. I was really going to let THAT determine my worth?
That's the text I sent to my sister yesterday. I had to wiggle myself into a pair of previously great-ish fitting jeans. It had to be my dryer. It just had to be.
Or the few pounds I've gained that seem to want to bring their friends along to the party.
It's also the style of the jeans. They are a lower rise cut than what this body should be wearing. My genes pretty much allow me to lose (and gain) weight pretty proportionately, but after having been overweight most of my life and having two kids, the belly area just needs to have a little extra support. And the low rise jeans don't do it. When I was at my slimmest I could get away with it if I was wearing a cami to prevent anyone from getting a flash my lower tummy. I knew they weren't the best cut for me, but I got them for 70% off and they were trendy and cute...something I'd never experienced in a jean.
Now that I'm struggling a bit with some old eating habits the jeans have become a bit unflattering...or to put it better when I'm wearing them I'm sporting a huge muffin top. And then it makes everything look worse. I tried to put them on again today. I felt so self conscious and thought my shirt looked awful, too. I started feeling completely down on myself which then makes everything worse. The house feels like more of a mess than it is. One day without a workout feels like a year of sitting on the couch. Every shortcoming I have magnifies in my mind.
I didn't want to change the jeans or admit that they weren't a good fit for my body. It would feel like I was giving up.
But I did it. I changed out of the cute, trendy jeans into a more flattering pair. A pair that did a better job of masking my perfect imperfections. Those jeans, too, were flattering, but a better cut for my body. I kid you not, suddenly the shirt that had just moments ago that I thought looked awful looked much nicer when I was wearing jeans that fit the right way. I wasn't nearly so discouraged about my other shortcoming. Rather than feeling overwhelmed and dejected I had hope. All because I changed my jeans.
How many times do we feel bad about ourselves because of how a piece of clothing looks? We rarely think "that's a bad cut for my body", we think "my body is bad for that cut." We place the emphasis on our own imperfections, which for most of us discourages us even further. We get to the point of thinking "why even try to improve my health?" That's the point I was at because of my jeans. A lousy pair of jeans. I was really going to let THAT determine my worth?
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Who I want to be when I grow up...
Astronaut. Lawyer. Comedienne. Teacher. Dancer. Veterinarian. Seamstress.
All occupations I thought I wanted to be at some time in my early years. Some of them are quite laughable. Seamstress? I can't even sew on a button nor do I have a desire to do so. Astronaut? Please. I hate heights and have no interest in space. Dancer? Only at a lively wedding dance.
It's a question that I never think I will fully answer. My inclinations change with time and life experience. This week I found myself asking not what do I want to "do" but what do I want to "be"? Or rather, how would I want to be remembered? If something tragic were to happen tomorrow, what would I want my legacy to be? And does the way I spend my time and energy on a daily basis reflect who I really want to be?
I spend way too much time worrying about the reflection in the mirror or the weight on the scale. I spend so much emotional energy beating myself up over eating a Kit Kat or missed workout when in the scope of life it doesn't even matter. If I were to die tomorrow would I want people to say "She never missed a workout?" or "She never missed a chance to ask how I was doing?" When I look at the women I consider beautiful it has absolutely nothing to do with the size of their waist and everything to do with how they interact with the people around them. And I want that to be where I focus more of my energy.
That doesn't mean I'll stop placing importance on exercise, but now exercise is more about what it can do for me mentally and a chance for a little me time. It's about being able to be active as long as possible and to be able to do my job without needing an oxygen mask. It doesn't mean I'll stop trying to have lots of fruits and vegetables on my plate, but it will be because I love my body and want to feed it, not because I hate by body or want someone elses. (PS-this will never stop being an inner struggle, I'm sure).
And there are so many other things that I need to remind myself:
It doesn't matter how fashionable my shirt is, but it matters if I would be willing to give it to someone else who needs it more than me.
It doesn't matter how new or clean my car is (thankfully), but that I would be willing to help someone with their transportation needs.
It doesn't matter if I bring a simple meal or a gourmet meal to a family experiencing a hard time, but it does matter that I cared enough to bring them something edible.
It doesn't matter how clean or fancy our home is, but it does matter that I make it a priority to make others feel comfortable and welcome in our home.
I want to BE someone who is able to keep the right perspective in life. To recognize the things that don't matter 5 years from now (like if there are dirty dishes when an unexpected guest drops by), and to be able to see the things that seem insignificant but have long term benefit, like taking the time to play a game with my kids.
All occupations I thought I wanted to be at some time in my early years. Some of them are quite laughable. Seamstress? I can't even sew on a button nor do I have a desire to do so. Astronaut? Please. I hate heights and have no interest in space. Dancer? Only at a lively wedding dance.
It's a question that I never think I will fully answer. My inclinations change with time and life experience. This week I found myself asking not what do I want to "do" but what do I want to "be"? Or rather, how would I want to be remembered? If something tragic were to happen tomorrow, what would I want my legacy to be? And does the way I spend my time and energy on a daily basis reflect who I really want to be?
I spend way too much time worrying about the reflection in the mirror or the weight on the scale. I spend so much emotional energy beating myself up over eating a Kit Kat or missed workout when in the scope of life it doesn't even matter. If I were to die tomorrow would I want people to say "She never missed a workout?" or "She never missed a chance to ask how I was doing?" When I look at the women I consider beautiful it has absolutely nothing to do with the size of their waist and everything to do with how they interact with the people around them. And I want that to be where I focus more of my energy.
That doesn't mean I'll stop placing importance on exercise, but now exercise is more about what it can do for me mentally and a chance for a little me time. It's about being able to be active as long as possible and to be able to do my job without needing an oxygen mask. It doesn't mean I'll stop trying to have lots of fruits and vegetables on my plate, but it will be because I love my body and want to feed it, not because I hate by body or want someone elses. (PS-this will never stop being an inner struggle, I'm sure).
And there are so many other things that I need to remind myself:
It doesn't matter how fashionable my shirt is, but it matters if I would be willing to give it to someone else who needs it more than me.
It doesn't matter how new or clean my car is (thankfully), but that I would be willing to help someone with their transportation needs.
It doesn't matter if I bring a simple meal or a gourmet meal to a family experiencing a hard time, but it does matter that I cared enough to bring them something edible.
It doesn't matter how clean or fancy our home is, but it does matter that I make it a priority to make others feel comfortable and welcome in our home.
I want to BE someone who is able to keep the right perspective in life. To recognize the things that don't matter 5 years from now (like if there are dirty dishes when an unexpected guest drops by), and to be able to see the things that seem insignificant but have long term benefit, like taking the time to play a game with my kids.
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