Debt Free Marriage

This picture was taken exactly 10 years ago, almost to the minute. We were young. Blissful. Naive.

Ours was a whirlwind courtship. We got engaged after six weeks of dating. We were married eight months later. We were basically complete strangers just sure we were in love. I can't even remember what made us think that it was a good idea to get married so quickly. We laugh now thinking about how little we actually knew about each other.

During our engagement we both made the commitment to try and live debt free. We both entered the marriage with debt: student loans, vehicles, credit cards...typical consumer debt. We wanted to set our marriage out on the right foot so on our honeymoon we agreed only to spend the cash we had saved and what we had received as a wedding gift, which meant midway through our honeymoon we were eating "Bowl Appetites" made in our hotel microwave and watching really lame movies on cable TV. It wasn't "fun", but it started us off on the right foot by keeping our commitment to living debt free.

It took us several years to reach the point of debt freedom. While we have never been without, we also made sacrifices. We spent one anniversary eating tuna melts at home because we didn't have "extra" money that month. In general, we have not bought expensive gifts for each other for birthdays, Christmas, or our anniversary. The process of us moving in the same direction as a couple has been worth more to our marriage than an expensive meal out or a consumer gift that is soon forgotten.

Having a shared focus in our finances has helped make us stronger as a couple. Now that we are debt free, we are starting to be a little more open to spending money on some "fun" things to celebrate our marriage. But it also means that for now we are still driving our 11 year old van until we can save up enough to pay cash for a newer one. It means that we still make a budget every month. It means we keep a common commitment to stay debt free.

The concept of living debt free carries over into our relationships. I did not want 1 Corinthians 13 read at our wedding. I didn't want to be held accountable for "love keeping no record of wrongs" (surely that's not the correct translation...it's in my nature to keep a record of wrongs). My husband is a natural "forgiver." I swear he forgets my faulty actions before I can even say "I'm sorry." I'm much different. It's in my nature to want to hold on to every little hurt, hoarding them for future ammunition. Yet just like it's not easy or necessarily fun to live debt free, it is certainly worth the peace. The peace that forgiveness brings is worth more than gold, silver, or even a new minivan.

Becoming Me

I feel like a bad friend. The kind of friend who just comes around when it's convenient. I've been a little silent on a blog front...and for a few reasons. One is I have been censoring some of my post ideas like "Keep Your Opinion on My Uterus to Yourself". Another reason is I have been working through some perspective issues when it comes to food, weight, activity, and how that all fits into my identity.

A year ago I was at my lowest weight ever. I had accomplished something. As a people pleaser, I felt on top of the world with all the positive comments. And although I said the scale wasn't important and I said my value was more than how I looked, how I looked was becoming the biggest thing in my life. And even though I was at my lowest I was never satisfied with how I looked. Something was always wrong, and I was becoming highly self absorbed...like more than normal.

And then around the holidays I started to gain back some weight. Little by little it was creeping on and I found myself searching for the next magic bullet of the diet world. But I also saw others on that merry-go-round of weight up, weight down, weight up, weight down...going from one perfect "plan" to another in hopes that THIS would be the last one. I wanted off that merry-go-round, but I was afraid of what that meant for my weight.

You could say I was in a bit of a mental/physical tailspin. I had stopped doing any major exercise for a time since I was literally wanting to cry I dreaded the things I "should" be doing. For someone who loves being active, to find myself hating activity was not a happy place to be. I also struggled with my identity. After I lost weight I was ready to define myself as the gal who had always been overweight, finally been able to lose it, and I was going to be the one who kept it off and inspired others to do the same. It was going to be Me.

But I really wasn't liking that Me. The one who was self-absorbed, obsessed with the scale (despite saying otherwise), and a little over cranky with my family if they messed up my eating or exercise. My husband said I was pretty unhappy, although I couldn't see it. I was ready to try "the next big thing" when I came across "Intuitive Eating". Although my introduction to IE was through a fitness magazine that promoted it as a weight loss tool, IE is more about self-awareness that has nothing to do with the scale. I'm learning a lot about myself and by no means am I an expert on IE. I will say that the process is leading to a place of self-acceptance while also seeking health through fitness and nutrition. That may or may not mean weight loss (or weight gain). For me, it has meant improved mental health, a better perspective on the things that are really important in life, and a renewed interest in exercise and nutrition for health having (truly) nothing to do with weight.

I was a little sad to say good-bye to the thinner me. I looked back at pictures yesterday and thought "dang, girl..." But I decided what it took me to get and stay there wasn't worth it. So I'm not going to be the woman who lost weight, kept it off, and inspired others to do the same. I'm not going to be someone I thought others would like based off of cultural stereotypes of beauty.

And I promise not to write about a uterus (mine or anyone else's.)

Food and emotions

It's been a hard week. Okay, that may be an understatement. It has been a completely emotionally draining week, and it's just Wednesday. I'm even having a hard time generating words to explain everything that has been going on. The bombings at the Boston Marathon really shook me. As a (kinda) runner, I imagined the runners who had trained for such a difficult race that usually ends in celebration simply for finishing, which was suddenly turned into a tragic event. I also thought of the athletic trainers and athletic training students that I knew were helping in the medical tents. I thought about how they went from helping athletes with dehydration to dealing with injuries that would shake even the most experienced in emergency medicine. And how they will never be the same.

That same day our community was praying for a husband, father, teacher, and coach that had been in a tragic car accident on Saturday. He passed away the next day. Those of you who live in a small community understand how such a loss affects everyone. I ache for his family, his friends, his students, his fellow coaches, and players.

Add to that several friends and family members that are walking through their own trials. In all of these things I feel helpless to do anything. I can't fix any of it. There may be things I can do do help with the burdens, but I cannot heal any of it. It is a completely unnerving feeling.

When life gets stressful like this I want to run away. Or eat. Or run away and eat. When life is out of control food is the one thing I can control. I can shovel food in my mouth to help soothe that sadness that feels like hunger. Others will do the opposite and not eat anything in an effort to control something in life. Both actions are an effort to help control the one thing in life we can control, food. But then it quickly spirals into the food controlling us.

I've been working through the book "Intuitive Eating." The 7th principle is to cope with emotions without using food. Sounds easy, until the emotions are so intense that food seems like the only thing that will help. Monday I found myself with knife in hand and loaf of banana bread ahead of me. Back to what I knew. After a few years of dieting it is pretty easy for me to fall back into emotional eating. And the food does temporarily feel good. But in the end the emotions are still there, waiting to be dealt with. I literally said "step away from the banana bread." Not because banana bread is evil, but because I was ready to binge to try and deal with life. And I knew it wouldn't stop with that one loaf.

It's been a few days of reminding myself it's okay to eat for hunger, but mindlessly eating to try and stuff down emotions doesn't heal the emotions. I need to find other ways of dealing with the emotions. For me finding several different ways to deal...sometimes talking with friends, sometimes being alone. Sometimes finding a chance to laugh, sometimes finding a moment to cry. Sometimes going for a run or walk to use the "fight or flight" hormones that are increased, sometimes simply sitting in the quiet. In all things remembering that even when I can't understand God's plan, He's still there.

FABULOUS...& flawed

It all started with the innocent unwrapping of a Dove Mint & Dark Chocolate square. Inside each little candy is an uplifting thought, many encouraging you to enjoy...eat more chocolate. This particular wrapper bore the thought "It's OK to be fabulous AND flawed." That thought has had my little mind racing ever since.

On the outside we are always trying to project our fabulous...our flawless fabulous. We strive for fabulous homes and are often left saddened with the constant realization that our homes will never be like those in Better Homes and Gardens. We want fabulous children that never misbehave and excel at everything. We want a flawless marriage, a fabulous body, and flawless skin. We are constantly bombarded by products and services that promise to take us from flawed to fabulous. We never let on that we are anything but fabulous (if we can help it). Often the pictures we post on facebook are the ones where our kids are looking oh so cute or perfect...or even if they are messy it is a cute mess. We share the cute stories and accomplishments. We spend so much energy trying to be flawless...only having it become more painfully clear that we are anything but flawless.

What we feel down deep is completely flawed. Each of us has our own areas where we feel like a flawed failure. We each know the crud we deal with...body image, issues in our marriage, painful memories, children that are struggling in school or life, a face that reveals both wrinkles and acne (maybe that one is just me). Often we don't want to share our flaws with others, yet we are constantly reminded of them to the point of obsession. We forget that our flaws also mean something fabulous. I know it is sometimes very difficult to see any blessing in our flaws, but if nothing else they help us connect with others when we are honest.

I've become more thankful about some things in my past, particularly my weight. Through most of elementary and all of high school I was overweight, and generally not by just a little. And it was at a time when most other kids did not carry a little extra fluff. I was teased. I took that to mean I was undesirable, that I wasn't going to succeed. I didn't run for student council because I did think anyone would vote for an overweight girl. I didn't think any guy would want to date me because of my size so I often dressed in oversized, frumpy clothes. In fact I spent most of my senior year wearing one of my dad's old flannel shirts that was 3 or 4 sizes too big. But lately I've become oh so thankful for that past.

Why? Because I never defined myself with beauty I spent time trying to better myself in other areas: academics, friendships, and service. Because I felt no guy would want to date me and often dressed the part, I have very few heartaches in the ex-boyfriend department. I became a stronger woman because of my flaws. I can look back at my high school self and appreciate that fabulously flawed girl.

Yes, we are flawed and fabulous. Perfectly imperfect. And I'm realizing more we don't necessarily need to fix all of our flaws. Sometimes it's by embracing our flaws that we can realize how they have made us fabulous.

How about you? How are you fabulously flawed?

Diagnosis: Perfection Infection

The simple joys in my life. A comfy chair. A warm cup of coffee with cream and sugar. A good book.


Sometimes I read a non-fiction book that completely rocks my world. In the past month I've read three: No More Perfect Moms by Jill Savage, How Am I Smart by Dr. Kathy Koch, and Intuitive Eating. This past weekend I had the opportunity to hear both Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy speak at the Hearts at Home National Conference. As much as I was blown away by the content of their books, I was even more so convicted and comforted by their presentations at the conference. Today I'm going to reflect on Jill's presentation "No More Perfect Moms."

Jill's message: there are no perfect moms, and we need allow to ourselves and others the space to make mistakes. Jill calls that angst we feel as part of our desire to be perfect "perfection infection"...and boy oh boy have I had that. The feeling that my house, marriage, children, career, and body all need to be perfect. And rather than motivating me to become a better person it makes me anxious, sad, and always inadequate. You don't have to be a mom to feel the negative effects of perfection infection. Everyone has areas of their life that they feel the unnecessary pressure to be perfect, whether it be from your own mind or from family, workplace, or other social groups.

In the season of motherhood, perfection infection often starts with the minute we find out we are carrying or make the decision to adopt. What is the BEST way to feed our child? Diaper our child? Set a sleep schedule (or let the child chose their own)? And somewhere along the way we find that we've not only been trying to find what is best for our own household, but we start judging others if their decision differs from our own.

And we need to stop it.

We need to stop having unrealistic expectations on our marriages, children, careers, homes, and most of all on ourselves. We are not a failure if the house is less than clean or if our children misbehave in public.  Perfection infection at times has kept me from inviting others over to my house because I was afraid of what they would think of the mess or the imperfect décor. I’ve held back from introducing myself to others out of fear of what they would think of how I looked. I’ve spent way too much time and energy worrying that others wouldn’t like me because of my size. I’ve spent money I didn’t have to buy things I didn’t need to impress people I don’t even know. I’ve unfairly chastised my children in public for misbehaving when their only crime was being a kid.

And I want to stop. I want to embrace the perfect imperfection  in my life. I don’t want my tombstone to say “She had an immaculate house, a great figure, a perfect marriage, and well behaved kids.” My desire is that at the end of my life others would be able to say that I was welcoming, gracious, compassionate, and authentic. And that starts today. And tomorrow. And the next day. Because invariably I will fail at trying to let go of my infection perfection.

How about you? How is perfection infection holding you back from what you really want to be?

Time for a breakup?

For years I have felt like I have multiple personalities with food. One day I'm completely all about eating healthy, losing or maintaining a "healthy weight", and all things popular in the diet and fitness world. The next day I just want to accept who I am and not be consumed by the scale or my food log. If you go back to the beginning of my blog I was writing about how I was so done with all things diet and the scale...then the next month I started a restrictive weight loss program that gave me results.  Most of my life I've been an emotional overeater. I would inhale food and be completely oblivious. My time would then be littered with small, unsuccessful bouts at weight loss (at least in the long term). Then the past year and a half I was successful at losing weight through a restrictive plan.

Since November of 2011 I have been completely ruled by the scale...and I'm realizing it hasn't been doing good things for my mental health. My sister sent me an article about intuitive eating. At first I was a skeptic.... I thought (and still worry) that there's no way I could tap into my natural hunger cues. But the more I've been reading and doing my own research it started to make sense. And here is what I asked myself last night that made me finally put away the scale (at least for now):

If I could develop a healthy relationship with food where it was neither my comforter nor my enemy, if I could restore a little joy in my life by not obsessing about food or weight, would it be worth it? If never lose another pound or (gulp) maybe even gain some weight (or have to buy a larger size), would my mental health be better by not being on the constant roller coaster of deciding how my day is going to do based on the scale? And can I ever get back to the joy of just working out for the mental and physical benefits I feel and not out of guilt motivated by weight loss?

This is my hope.

Intuitive eating???

So I've been struggling with the few pounds I gained in the process of moving and holidays and just generally eating more and exercising less. As much as I say the scale doesn't matter I have been letting it rule my mornings. Like this morning at 4am after helping my son get re-settled in bed I decided to step on the scale and it was up. UP? I've been diligently not having sweets (by diligently I mean 3 days) and a few other restrictive rules I've put on myself to try and get back to where I felt I was healthier. I was ready at that moment to lace up my shoes and go for a run. I didn't. I know the slippery slope of exercising out of guilt and that's not the relationship I want to have with my running shoes. I keep thinking one of these days in a dramatic episode with my scale I'll open our second story window and chuck the scale.

But I probably won't. I'd have to clean up the pieces. And probably end up buying a new scale.

Weight loss is hard. Maintaining weight loss is hard. Statistically, only about 5% of people who lose weight are able to maintain it. That's why most of my life I've been so anti-diet industry until I actually lost, and now I feel like I'm sucked into this vortex of always looking for THE PLAN that is going to help me lose or maintain. It is an endless, mindboggling, futile game. I'm trying hard not to engage.

Yesterday my sister sent me an article on intuitive eating, so of course I've now spent lots of time researching that rabbit trail. I rely both on people's personal experiences as well as actual research. Intuitive eating doesn't promise weight loss, but a healthy, non-restrictive approach to eating. There are several approaches similar to intuitive eating (mindful eating, healthy at any size, and several others) that use the idea of body acceptance, non-restrictive eating, exercising for other benefits (not weight loss), and relying on internal cues to note hunger and satiety.

It sounds so good. I want to have a healthy relationship with food. I haven't ever had that. Most of my life food was a source of comfort, friendship, and a way to deal with hurt feelings. I would indulge in soda, candy, massive amounts of pasta, ice cream, burritos, all without a bit of guilt. I was eating them for all the wrong reasons, but I didn't have the burden of regret. Now the pendulum swings the other way, where almost any slight overeating comes with regret. Especially when the scale tells on me.

So do I think it would work for me? As a weight loss aid, probably not. The article I first read was touting it as a weight loss method, but most research shows there to be no weight loss benefit. For me personally, I think deep down I still harbor that unhealthy desire to fill disappointment with a Snickers or three. And our society is filled with propaganda from the food and beverage companies to override our innate ability to know when to eat or when we are full. (Hello advertising!)

But I'm going to do more reading. I want to have a healthy relationship with food...one where I don't compulsively overeat out of my emotions but I also don't beat myself up emotionally for enjoying a meal out with friends.