Beauty from ashes

I couldn't handle watching the video on my screen. I could only handle about five seconds of one of our town's beloved play areas going up in flames. Even with the barrage of carnage we see on a regular basis, I couldn't handle seeing the playground engulfed in flames. It felt like violence against children and against my own family. That park had become part of our history.

The park where I took my 21 month old each day after we first moved to Watseka. It was within walking distance for a very pregnant mama with plenty of appropriately sized equipment.

The park where both of my kids learned to climb and hang and slide.

The park where I was dubbed the grumpy old troll and had to guard the bridge while Dora and Boots tried to cross.

The park where I first started to meet with other moms and kids for play dates.

The park that was the first place Watseka first started to feel like home.

And now it stands broken and charred.

My kids' reactions were mainly saddness. With tears in his eyes my five year old asked, "Mom, why would someone burn that park? Maybe they didn't like the yellow park...but some kids really like the yellow park." My reaction was one of anger...and saddness...and a feeling that I was ready to run away. When things get tough and my "fight or flight" mechanism kicks in, I'm a flight kind of girl. I don't like dealing with conflict and messiness. I am 100% honest when I say my gut reaction to such circumstances is to do everything I can to preserve my own comfort. Even if it means packing up the truck and moving to Beverly. (Hills that is. Hollywood. Movie stars.)

But my second reaction was much more productive. "How can we help make this park a safe place for children and families?" And popping up in conversations and facebook posts in the area was much of the same sentiment. First anger and saddness, but from it is emerging a desire to rebuild and reclaim. Not to run away to greener pastures, but to join together and restore.

Today I saw blackened play equipment not safe for use. But I can imagine a day down the road when the equipment is replaced with the help of community members coming together to say this space is important. And those feelings of despair will replaced with hope.

Beauty from ashes.

Wouldn't trade it

If we're honest, we all grew up with some strange misconceptions about what it meant to be successful. One of my biggest misconceptions: my success would be determined by the distance I was able to live and/or travel from my hometown. Meaning, if I had to fly home for a wedding, I had reached the pinnacle of greatness.

In December 2001 I had graduated college and had started my life as an adult about 600 miles away from my hometown. My sister, the one who got the good looks, was getting married in May. I had a goal. I wanted to not only fly in for the wedding, thus showing my arrival into greatness, but I also wanted to transform from the overweight sister with a personality to someone slimmer and hotter to add to my plane ride distance success.

May 2002 arrived, and I was anything but thin. And anything but hot. And for some reason I had decided to get an unfortunately short haircut that did not flatter my face at all. Sigh. I was still going to be the sister with personality that did a good job of reading scripture at the wedding and apologizing for all of my sisterly meanness at the reception, but I was not hot. And I also realized that a plane ride in no way correlated to success. Thus I was still plain old me.

But if a genie happened to appear and offer me thinness in place of that weekend, I wouldn't trade it. Not because it was one of the biggest days in my sister's life, but because the whole weekend was filled with memories that didn't depend on me looking perfect. The above picture was taken the day after the wedding, when much of the groom's family was involved in various pranks including moving the new couple's bedroom into their living room. I would not have traded the laughs and memories for a smaller dress size.

I'm not saying people that are thin or beautiful don't have any fun. But I think we often equate looking perfect with more fulfillment and fun. We think if only I was a size (or two or three) smaller, then I would have a good time in social situations. In reality, our most meaningful moments seldom have anything to do with our appearance.

This is my challenge for you. Find a photograph of a memorable time when you look less than your best. Think Walmart-on-a-Saturday-night bad. Would you trade that moment for a perfect appearance? Appreciate the significance of the experience and the insignificance of your hairstyle or waistline. Maybe even throw it out there for #tbt.

My fellow bridesmaid in the picture above? She's getting hitched this weekend. I had set a goal to lose weight and "tone up" before her big day. And once again I find myself anything but thin. In the past, I've dreaded or even skipped events because I didn't feel that I looked good enough. But this weekend I'm going with full anticipation that I wouldn't trade this weekend for the 10 pounds I wanted to lose.

#wouldnttradeit

I want to look like THAT

Sometimes it catches me off guard. I catch a quick glimpse from a photo of a former, slimmer self. I look longingly at that smaller person, wishing I wasn’t that person hovering between “normal” and plus sized. And it leaves me sad. Wanting. Guilty.

And I’m sure we all do it. We look at pictures of ourselves: before crows feet and wrinkles. Maybe when we had perfect complexion or a smaller waist or youth was on our side. Maybe it’s a picture in a bikini with no stretch marks (that picture of me only exists as a 5 year old). And we want that person back. And we spend money on potions and creams and diet plans to try and get that back. We make ourselves feel all kinds of guilty and worthless for not meeting our own crazy expectations.

Or worse yet, the picture we envy is not even one of our self. It is of someone from a completely different gene pool with a lifestyle that bears no semblance of our own.

Case in point: right before we got our dog we were watching Marley and Me. At one point in the movie I literally thought “I’m getting a dog, why don’t I have legs like Jennifer Aniston?” Seriously.

We say to ourselves “I want to look like THAT…”

The other day I was looking through old photos to find one of a friend who was very ill. I remembered a picture of her and I that I loved and I wanted to find it to remind me to pray for her. As I searched for the photo I came across two from a few summers ago where I was goofing around with my niece and nephew. I looked anything put together and was at a larger size, but we were having so much fun. My size and lack of any primping didn’t matter. The joy of the moment did. There was another photo of my nephew ready for the plunge on the log ride, screaming our heads off. And I smiled.

I want to look like THAT.

I want to take pictures not because I happen to look good that day, but because it is a moment that I want to remember for the rest of my life. I want to capture the smiles on our faces, the silliness of the moment. I want to stop being obsessed about my size and focus on living a full life whether the tag in my jeans says 6 or 16. Because at the end of my life, my family and friends won’t stand by my coffin and reminisce about the times I was thin or when my makeup and outfit were perfect. I want them to remember a person who was confident enough in herself to be willing to look silly, get messy, and even get dressed up and fancy when the occasion is right.

I want to look like THAT.

Take a deep breath...and write

When I started sharing my writing and thoughts through this blog, I had no desire to make it a “fitspiration” blog. I simply wanted to share my own thoughts on this journey called life. One of my first posts was on not wanting to be defined by my body size.

And then I lost weight. A good amount of it. And those changes became how I defined myself and pretty much the sole focus of this blog. It actually became the sole focus of my life. And as much as I don’t like thigh overlap (if you don’t know what this is, trust me, you don’t have it), I disliked the chains being obsessed with thinness even more. So I was hoping I could lose the obsession but also keep the weight off.

And it worked, for a bit. But slowly as I allowed myself to step out of the jail of restrictive eating, I let the pendulum swing completely the other way, embracing all the food comforts our society embraces. And even though I was no longer weighing myself I knew what was happening…I was losing the identity I had created as a “weight loss success story.” 

I began to lose confidence. I started to doubt myself in ways that were always quite familiar. I thought people wouldn’t want to talk to me because of my size. I felt like a hypocrite after writing about learning to be happy with my size only to go full speed into weight loss and then writing about that and then gaining it back. I felt like I had created an identity as being someone who had finally lost the weight after being overweight my entire life. I was going to be inspirational. Motivational. I was going to be one of the 5% that actually kept weight off. And then I too failed. And I figured no one would want to read my words anymore. That I had nothing left to share. That my words would be empty. If I was no longer that person who had won the “battle of the bulge”, who was I and why in the world would anyone want to hear what I had to say?

This blog and other parts of my life became silent. I have written, but I kept  it to myself because of the same doubt I have carried with me my ENTIRE LIFE (since about first grade)…that because of my excess weight people wouldn’t want to listen to what I had to say.

But I’m going to punch that fear in the face (thanks, Jon Acuff). I’m going to write.

I want to write. I want to explore and ponder and express ideas even if people don’t agree with them. I want to reconnect with a part of me that feels free-when time flies by. I want to write words that will never be read along with a few that will reach someone else. I want to share the stories of the hurting and broken and scarred and victorious. I want to tell of truths stranger than fiction and then add in some fiction.

I don't know how that statement will guide me. Maybe continued blogging. Maybe journaled words written only for myself. But I'm not going to let fear make that decision. 

You don't know you're beautiful

I have spent the last two hours...TWO HOURS researching sweatpants on the web. What ones look the best? (Seriously, they are SWEATPANTS, does it matter?) Can you/should you wear yoga pants in public? What about undergarments? How do you avoid VPL? Do workout capris look good on short women? Two hours I should have been sleeping I spent obsessing about the fashionability (yes, it's a word) of sweatpants. REALLY?

I get caught in these moments of obsession from time to time when I really start to anguish over my appearance. Am I wearing the right clothes? The right hair? The right make up? It manifests in hours on pinterest or other relevant sites.  I get a disquiet in my spirit and I want to spend lots of time shopping, yet usually end up taking everything back. I start to analyze what other people are wearing.

Note: if you ever catch me staring at you I'm probably wondering if the jeans/top/highlights you are wearing would look good on me. Or you spilled ketchup on yourself, and I'm trying to decide if I should tell you.

During these times of hyper-vigilance on exterior things there really isn't a noticeable change in my outward appearance. But I can tell that I become inwardly focused. I become unsettled, discontent. My world becomes about me, and I'm more concerned with finding the time and money to search for a new outfit (that I will probably return) than I am about being kind and available to those around me.

In my opinion, that's the crux of 1 Peter 3:3-4
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."


For me, the passage isn't saying I should never wear a cute dress or fancy shoes, but external appearances do not define me. Isn't that a hard concept to grasp when my daily inbox is filled with store emails promising all things bright and beautiful? When no matter what we look like we always feel like we need to look better? But it's rubbish. Perishable. If I'm going to spend two hours obsessing about something I want it to make a positive difference in the life of another person, not to lead me to the conclusion that I really should opt out of sweats more than I opt in.

Contemplating the role of sweatpants in modern society (or more accurately, should I wear them to school pickup) led to me to disquiet within my spirit. Focusing on the external never brings me peace. When I'm able to focus on having a gentle and quiet spirit (notice it doesn't actually require that I remain quiet, phew), I'm able to find a portion of that unfading beauty. Something that won't go out of style next season or be too tight if I hit the chocolate a little too hard.

Walk or run?

This morning the alarm clock went off way too early. Well, too early after a second insomniac night. But I knew this was my one chance today to run. If I hadn't signed up for a sprint triathlon next week I surely would have went back to bed or found a different activity I could do later in the day. But I like to run alone and not at the track...which means this was my only moment to squeeze in a run so I don't collapse next Saturday. So I hauled my tired, achy booty out of bed, laced up my shoes and headed out the door.

Note to self: if I ever make the goal of getting up early every day, I must first have the goal of going to bed before midnight.

My entire run I listed out all the arguments for running...and for walking. Do I really HAVE to run to be healthy?

Every weekend my facebook feed is filled with pictures of friends finishing 5K's, 10 K's, mudruns, half marathons, marathons, and triathlons. Has it always been like this? Nope. According to the organization "Running USA" (www.runningusa.org), participation in running events from the 5K on up has increased 80% since 2000. That doesn't mean that 80% of us are running, it means that we have moved from approximately 8.5 million in 2000 to approximately 15.5 million in 2012. Still a small percentage of total population, but it's not just my imagination that more people are running. Women in particular are increasing running participation, especially in the half marathon. All that to say, based on what other people are doing running feels like something I SHOULD be doing. And even when I run, I feel like I SHOULD be running farther (I've already come to terms with the fact that I won't be any faster, so no guilt there).

Second note to self: Running USA keeps track of what half marathon races have the fastest median finish times...and the slowest. If I ever plan on picking a half marathon, I shall pick a slow one.

But is running necessary if my goal is increased overall health? Not necessarily.

The argument for running

• I can get the same amount of "work" done in less time. I can run for 35 minutes or walk for 55. 
• There is a sense of accomplishment in doing an activity that growing up I never believed I could actually do.
• I have met and developed a bond with some really great people through running, even if they are all much faster than me.
• If I want to run in a road race or mud run with some friends or for a charity, I need to include running in my weekly exercise. As in if I want to run, I need to keep running.
• The more demand I'm able to put on my cardiovascular system through vigorous exercise, the more benefit to my cardiovascular health (as in I have a hard time consistently keeping my heart rate high enough to count as moderate-vigorous exercise when walking).
• Post-run I generally feel awesome.

The benefits of walking over running

• I CAN get similar cardiovascular and energy expenditure benefit, it will just take me more time. But if I also figure that post-run I also have to shower whereas walking mostly does not require de-stinking myself, maybe the time argument is a wash. Hmmm...
• Almost always I look forward to walking. I can put on my music, listen to a podcast or book, or chat it up with a friend and enjoy the time. Some days running is fun, and some days running...
• I like to have some social exercise sessions, and I can almost always find a friend to walk with. No matter their pace, most people are willing to go for a walk. Fewer people run, and if they do they are generally much, much faster than me.
• My need for special clothing decreases with walking. With running I'm always having to worry about the status of my shoes, which undergarments are best for keeping the sisters happy, wicking fabric, visors, workout bottoms that prevent chafing...all that to say a running wardrobe can be high maintenance. Walking just requires a decent pair of shoes. The number of considerations for clothing greatly decreases, and I can generally stay in my everyday clothes.
• My knees hurt less, which make me active the rest of the day. One of my overall goals is to include more daily activity through walking or biking the kids to school, etc whenever possible. If my body is hurting from exercise I'm much more likely to just grab the car keys.
• I don't think I look too strange when I walk. When I run...

So running or walking? Either.

Don't let the thought that if you aren't running you aren't healthy keep you from being more active and improving your health. Just move. Grab a friend. Move. And to my running friends, keep blowing up my facebook feed with your active pursuits. I'll be cheering you on, I may just not cross the same finish line.

Start One

I had a moment of sadness this weekend: too many of my pants are too tight. My arthritic knees are becoming symptomatic again (i.e. my knees feel like they are 80). Despite cool temperatures I had my worst run in forever on Sunday. I started feeling just "blah" even though I've been really active. While I love the freedom of not relying on the scale for validity, I've also been developing some unhealthy eating patterns that regardless of weight can lead to negative health consequences down the road. My knees tell me that right away. Down the road it can lead to increased risk for diabetes, heart disease, and cancer. So while still trying to maintain a relationship with food that doesn't involve guilt, punishment, or deprivation I also need to make some habit changes.

Do I try to completely revamp my life with one major holy grail master plan? Or do I take the snails pace and make one or two small changes at a time? This question has been tickling my brain for the last several days so I spent some time today geeking out over research on how to make lasting habit change. I by no means exhausted the current research, but I will share my thoughts with you based on the research and my own past experience.

So which is better? Major overhaul or small changes? Answer: depends. The why of the change plays a major role. For example, if NOT making a certain change will lead to immediate or certain harm there is much motivation to make the change permanent. If you suddenly develop a nut allergy it would behoove you to immediately rid your house of any possible dispensers of anaphylaxis...or stock up on epi-pens. But if your why is more vague or non-life threatening (i.e. my pants no longer fit) you will get more long term traction if you make small, incremental changes and then build on them. If healthy living was just about knowledge we'd all be a lot healthier. We generally KNOW we should eat fewer oreos and more broccoli, but it's our behavior patterns that are non-compliant. If you make one change and are successful it increases your belief that you can make more positive changes. Sometimes when we try to make a huge healthy life overhaul we get discouraged within days. Even trying to make "15 small changes" at once means a big lifestyle change. And often that is completely overwhelming.

The other problem we run into when trying to make major changes is we get bogged down in trying to find THE PLAN. What rules are right? Should I be eating paleo? Vegan? Vegetarian? Mediterranean? Hostess diet? Should I be running or walking? Is interval training or long duration better? And suddenly there are so many choices and we are unable to actually make a decision on what to try. We get bogged down in the details. I've caught myself several times spending hours and hours researching which exercises I should be doing, when in truth if I was just doing anything for that same amount of time I'd be healthier.

So this week I decided to start taking the turtle's approach. In the past when I've realized my eating and exercise habits were out of whack I'd make major crazy changes. I'd clear out the pantry of anything "unhealthy". And the minute I'd start banning so many foods I'd crave them all the more. I can drive by McD's everyday and never give it a second look until I decide to never eat fast food, then the the golden arches become a beacon of light. I'd create a workout plan that is more appropriate for a college athlete trying to increase performance than a mom trying to be healthy. And within two days my arthritic knees are unable to let me sit in a chair without major pain...which overall makes me more sedentary than if I just try to add movement throughout my day.

Back to the turtle's approach: Start One. Start One healthy habit a week. One. That's it. Not one AND another and another and another. That's been my approach in the past: "I'll drink 10 glasses of water a day...AND I'll cut out sweets...AND I'll get up at 5 am and exercise for an hour...AND..." By noon on Monday I'm tired, hungry, and heading to the bathroom every 5 minutes. The change will last maybe until Tuesday. Maybe. So I'll start with one.

And if I'm successful with my healthy habit, and it feels like I'm going to maintain that habit with ease I'll Start One more habit. If I struggled I'll give myself another week or two.

My Start One habit for this week: no eating sweet treats (meaning candy bars, cookies, cake, ice cream, etc.). I'm not eliminating all sugar, just those things I was snacking on waaay too often and they were becoming part of my everyday (every hour??) menu instead of the occasional treat.

What about you? I'd love to hear your approach to habit change.