Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Take a deep breath...and write

When I started sharing my writing and thoughts through this blog, I had no desire to make it a “fitspiration” blog. I simply wanted to share my own thoughts on this journey called life. One of my first posts was on not wanting to be defined by my body size.

And then I lost weight. A good amount of it. And those changes became how I defined myself and pretty much the sole focus of this blog. It actually became the sole focus of my life. And as much as I don’t like thigh overlap (if you don’t know what this is, trust me, you don’t have it), I disliked the chains being obsessed with thinness even more. So I was hoping I could lose the obsession but also keep the weight off.

And it worked, for a bit. But slowly as I allowed myself to step out of the jail of restrictive eating, I let the pendulum swing completely the other way, embracing all the food comforts our society embraces. And even though I was no longer weighing myself I knew what was happening…I was losing the identity I had created as a “weight loss success story.” 

I began to lose confidence. I started to doubt myself in ways that were always quite familiar. I thought people wouldn’t want to talk to me because of my size. I felt like a hypocrite after writing about learning to be happy with my size only to go full speed into weight loss and then writing about that and then gaining it back. I felt like I had created an identity as being someone who had finally lost the weight after being overweight my entire life. I was going to be inspirational. Motivational. I was going to be one of the 5% that actually kept weight off. And then I too failed. And I figured no one would want to read my words anymore. That I had nothing left to share. That my words would be empty. If I was no longer that person who had won the “battle of the bulge”, who was I and why in the world would anyone want to hear what I had to say?

This blog and other parts of my life became silent. I have written, but I kept  it to myself because of the same doubt I have carried with me my ENTIRE LIFE (since about first grade)…that because of my excess weight people wouldn’t want to listen to what I had to say.

But I’m going to punch that fear in the face (thanks, Jon Acuff). I’m going to write.

I want to write. I want to explore and ponder and express ideas even if people don’t agree with them. I want to reconnect with a part of me that feels free-when time flies by. I want to write words that will never be read along with a few that will reach someone else. I want to share the stories of the hurting and broken and scarred and victorious. I want to tell of truths stranger than fiction and then add in some fiction.

I don't know how that statement will guide me. Maybe continued blogging. Maybe journaled words written only for myself. But I'm not going to let fear make that decision. 

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