Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Two words I would outlaw

If only...

Tell me I'm not the only one who has had an "if only" moment, or day, or week, or...

I often get caught up in the cycle of second guessing past decisions or not being happy with where I am in life. I think "if only I had chosen a different career path" or "if only we lived in a better neighborhood." Usually my "if only" statements are followed by a silent "then I'd be happy." And I know in my mind that those things wouldn't bring me happiness, just another "if only."

The "if only" I've struggled with all my life is my weight. If I had a dollar for every "if only I weighed less", I'd be in the 1%. It has been my own thinking and actions that have caused me to stumble in this area. I've often thought that people wouldn't want to talk to me because of my weight, so sometimes I come off as snotty. My freshman year when I didn't get elected to student council I was sure it was because of my weight, so I never tried again. I'm the one who has let it be a hindrance in lots of situations. Recently I've been doing so much better with accepting the blessings of my life, realizing that none of them have to do with the size of my waist, and pursuing living healthy rather than living thin.

But yesterday that old "if only" came back. It ruined my day and sucked my time away. I've actually been meeting my goals with exercise and nutrition, but for some reason yesterday was one of those days when I felt like the size of my thighs was inversely proportional to the content of my character. And I just couldn't shake it.

That's not to say if I am sitting in a pile of poo, that I don't need to move. (examples: poor health due to lifestyle choices, dead end job, unhealthy relationship). Recently I had blood work done and everything came back great, except my HDL cholesterol. I've never had a problem, but it was abnormally low. I know I need to improve some things in my eating to help raise this number back up to reduce my risk for heart disease. And I am making those changes, slowly so they are feeling like part of who I am and want to be. And I'm not going to just sit and think "if only my HDL was normal..." I'm going to do something about it.

It's that line between finding contentment in who we are and challenging ourselves to smooth out our rough spots.

Another "if only" I've always had has been "if only I could sing..." then I could inspire people with my music...or be a rock star. I used to pretend I was a singer/dancer with New Kids on the Block  (wow, lots of disclosure today!) It is one if only that I haven't lost too much sleep over. But today's workout is "Just Dance"...so if you'll excuse me, the Spice Girls need another member.

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