Sunday, August 26, 2012

It's not FAIR

Sometimes I get into a funk when I just want to give up trying to be healthy. The inner me starts throwing temper tantrums that would put my children to shame. "I want the #2! Why can't I have the #2? Why do I have to eat boring chicken? That guy's having the #2...and he looks healthy." And by that guy, I mean my husband who eats anything and everything and stays thin. I get into a boo hoo mode where it frankly ticks me off that in some way, shape, or form I'll have to plan and track what I eat for most of my life. Not necessarily calories (I actually don't count calories most of the time), just tracking to see that I'm getting enough vegetables and not too much chocolate. And there's a part of me that wants to go back to that careless way of eating...ordering the #2 without having a moment of guilt. Having a milkshake because I can. Or frankly, even just eating animal cookies by the handful.

Why do some people a) not have to watch what they eat and b) have a healthy relationship with food where they neither under consume or over consume, they just consume? They feed their bodies but without any kind of bondage or baggage. And why can't I be that person? I was under the very mistaken assumption that once I lost the weight I would automatically be that person. That I would always pick healthy and never be tempted by Dr. Pepper or Snickers. I thought I'd enjoy treats on special occasions but didn't anticipate that I would struggle so much with wanting things that aren't healthy for me. CHOCOLATE: GO! WALK OUT THE DOOR. JUST TURN AROUND NOW, YOU'RE NOT WELCOME ANYMORE. (I take it back. I didn't mean it. Chocolate, can't we talk this out??)

No, I'm not that person who just thinks about meals at meal times. I'm not that person who can walk by the candy aisle and not want to break down in tears (I just avoid it because crying over candy is public is silly). Food is still my go to when I'm feeling lonely or sad or stressed or happy or when I need an escape.

No, I'm not that person, but I'm closer now than I was 6 months ago. I now have chicken and spinach salad several times a week for lunch...and love it. I automatically prepare a vegetable for every meal...and without the help of cream of mushroom soup. I know I can survive without copious amounts of sugar. And I know that health is a lifetime journey, not just something that is achieved once and for all once the scale reaches a certain number. And that if my healthier self gets tired of hearing my inner child whine about donuts on a particularly trying day, all is not lost on one bad choice. The key is to put on the big girl undies and move on to the next healthy choice.

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